11 January 2014

Self-Love. Self-Confidence.

Everyone struggles with self-confidence. Every. Single. Person.

We all have days that we wake up and feel unworthy. There are days when no amount of makeup or hair product will work, because that doesn't fix the fact that my pants feel tighter than yesterday. Sometimes people will say something, not meaning anything by it, that will negatively alter the way we think of ourself (or maybe that was their intention, and in that case.. they are evil). To put it simply- 

self-love can be hard.

In high school, I really struggled with this. Not as much as some people- no eating disorders or self harm was done- but it was still there. I felt intrusive to my friends, like they "tolerated" me rather than actually reciprocating the friendship. I tried too hard to be friends with people that didn't matter then and  (I know now) never will. But, the good thing is that I've taken that experience and made it beneficial to me so that I've been able to love myself, in turn loving those around me more than I ever have before. 

I haven't exactly been the most confident person in the past. Even at the beginning of last semester, I would joke that I was "lame" for loving to read and write. I hid this blog and my fashion magazines, because I thought "this is Purdue, and nobody likes this kind of stuff. They like engineering and important things". That thinking was so skewed. Throughout the semester, I met friends and professors that I could talk to. I made friends through my blogging and liking something in addition to the actual subject of study. And slowly, I've realized that the stuff that makes me "lame" is actually what makes me me.  This "lame" stuff is what makes me my own person and sets me apart from the masses of science and mathematically gifted students here. And if that isn't the most important thing in the world- understanding that I am an individual worthy of others' interest- I don't know what is. 

This realization has given me the confidence to be 100% genuine with everyone at school- and I think that's why I love Purdue so much! The best part of college is that I can show up and be whoever I want. Nobody cares who I was in high school. It's so beautiful. And, you know what? It makes me feel more beautiful. More days than not, I feel awesome when I walk out the door. I feel loved, appreciated, and beautiful! I'm growing to love who I am here at school, which has made me more confident and more loving. But, that doesn't mean that I don't have any work to do...

At home, I still feel like I'm in high school. I have moments of feeling like a burden or like I don't exactly fit in. At home, everyone has an expectation of who I am that I feel can't be changed. So, obviously I still struggle with embracing my quirks all the time and I still get embarrassed in thinking that people who have known me for so long will think that I'm weird or crazy. It's definitely something to work on for me, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to change people's perception of me. 

Regardless, life is a journey towards love. Mutual love-  of the self, for another, for a Higher Being. But, no matter what love you are seeking, effort is required. Humans are perfectly made to love and be loved, and when that happens the world s changed. 

So, change your world today. Wake up, make yourself feel awesome- whatever it takes- and then say into the mirror "I am awesome. I am loved. I am perfect the way I am." Fearlessly embrace you. Every day. And, even if not today or tomorrow, eventually you will begin to love the person you are becoming.