17 December 2013

No Regrets

if there's one thing I've always been bad at, it's vocalizing my feelings

Whether I'm annoyed, upset, or infatuated, it seems like I can never give off the right impression. If I'm annoyed, I cover it up by being overly nice. If I'm infatuated, I'm anything but flirty. I think it's just the way I'm wired, or maybe just the way humans are wired. We want to guard our hearts and our feelings. And, I know I've talked about being vulnerable- I've been working on it. 

My next thing I've wanted to work on is: No Regrets.
and, specifically, no regrets in what I say.

When I say no regrets in what I say, read that as no regretting what I didn't say. Because I've been working on just speaking my mind. Saying the words I want to say instead of being too afraid of the response. I've overused the "type, deep breath, press send" method, usually to a good response. And I've been much happier knowing the answer instead of always wondering what it would have been- or worse, finding out that I would have gotten the response I wanted if only I'd asked. 

Beyond this, I've been happier. I used to always follow some unwritten rule that I couldn't approach someone (read: text first) to the point that I'd drive myself crazy waiting for people to reach out to me. But, I scrapped that ridiculous plan and I send messages to my friends about how I miss them or how I want to make plans. I make the first move... and the second. And I don't know why this never occurred to me before, but instead of "waiting for people to care" I can now play the part of the friend who cares. And it's pretty fun! 

So I've struggled with reaching out to others. I think my personality- that I feel annoying or unwanted- that always kept me from saying what I felt needed to be said. Somewhere this past semester, I picked up a strangely courageous attitude about life, love, and friendships. I've realized that unsaid words swim around in my head, eventually becoming regrets. And what have I got to lose? Especially with college, many of the people I've met had no idea who I was before so who cares if they think I'm crazy or obsessive or annoying by what I say? I literally have nothing to lose, and that is the greatest form of security for this newfound spontaneity. 

And, in case you want to feel a little better about your life...