29 September 2013

Dream Big? ... Or Realistically?

Is a mid-life crisis at 18 a real thing?

If so, I think I'm experiencing it. 
If you follow my Twitter, you probably had a feeling something like this would come up eventually. (and, if you don't follow my Twitter, what are you doing? @PurduePrep ) I've mentioned feeling lost, overwhelmed, and even changing my major. I know, I know. This is normal for students to re-think things about this time. Everyone changes their major. But that's not who I am. I'm known as the put-together one. The girl who has everything planned out and has a brilliant future set up.

But then good ole reality hit me. In the face.

I was sitting in biology lecture one day during London Fashion Week and spent more of that lecture following the events than my professor. Okay, so that might be normal for a teenage girl. But I was taking notes. Notes for a post. For this blog. I then realized that I write thoughts and ideas for the blog all over my class notes. I wake up early to watch the Today show and read the news. I don't go out of my way to work on things for Pharmacy. I don't get thrilled at the idea of job exploration or making connections or going to Pharmacy events. And that was the moment that my whole world flipped. 

Is Pharmacy really for me? I have a lot riding on this education. I'm the pride of my parents and family. Everyone is so proud and is on my side. They believe in my success and my goals... in Pharmacy. But I'm not sure it'll be that way if my major changes... majorly. This education offers me job security and benefits, I'm good at it, and it's certainly worth my parents' money. It's a realistic, boring profession that I fit into. But I don't feel that it fits for me. Of course, me being me, I've been researching and planning for my possible intended major. There's no way I would change if there was a chance that I wasn't sure- and I'm still not sure. But here's what I'm thinking

1. Job Market and Benefits vs.
fun, exciting, and risky
Pharmacy is obviously a very competitive, lucrative career path. It comes with a job market, benefits, and a growing number of responsibilities. In the 8 weeks I've been here, I've found it to be extremely time consuming and hard! All I do is study! And it's not that I have a problem with studying, but the subject matter isn't exactly my favorite thing. I'm very much the calm, collected person. But, for once, I want to do something fun! Taking risks and enjoying life is what we are on this Earth for. I'm not saying that I wouldn't be happy in Pharmacy, but I think that taking a risk for something that I find more engaging would be a greater fulfillment.

2. Do what I love or what I'm good at?
There's no doubt in my mind that I'm good at the subject matter required for Pharmacy. For some reason, chemistry and biology just clicks. But it isn't what I love. At first, I was embarrassed about having a blog, loving to write, and being interested in fashion. I used to hide my fashion magazines and only write posts in my room alone. I thought I was horrible at writing- in fact, I still think I am. I spend so much time pre-writing and planning for each post but I still think that they come out worse than expected. I feel as if I've improved, but I'm nowhere close to where I'd like to be. Regardless of that, I brought my blog into the light. I showed LEM and some girlfriends, and they've given me so many positive words of encouragement that I love. The consistent comment I've gotten is that I really seem passionate about the blog and the subjects I write about- which is 100% true! While I know I have room for improvement, writing and "reporting" is something that I love. So I give that up for something I'm good at?

3. Money
It's all about the money. As much as I try not to be an extreme materialist, our world is very much a materialistic one. Money and income is important, as is making sure that purchases are valuable. I'm blessed enough to have a family who loves and supports me in my higher education and is willing to pay for it. That being said, I don't want to disappoint them after they give me so much. I don't want them to think that I'm wasting this fantastic gift or taking advantage of them. The more I think about it, the more I think about how much importance I put on pleasing them and making them proud. But, doing what they think I want to just turn around and wish I didn't have to do it is worse than confronting the problem now.

I may seem vague and unorganized at this point, but that's because I am. In every aspect of my life I feel like a mess- something completely foreign to me. It all comes down to these three subjects and some conversations with my parents and advisors. I really don't know where I'll be in a year or even in a month. But, whatever life brings me, I want to be prepared and informed. Who knows what I'll pick, but just for the record...

I'm leaning towards my dream.