22 May 2013


I had no idea what to write until the perfect opportunity presented itself: 
I came home from a long day and the first thing my dad does is force all of his frustrations on me. This confrontation scared me, made me feel guilty, and left me wanting nothing else than a dark room and music. So, that's exactly where I went. I went up to my room and got comfy. Then I realized that I always run for the hills when anyone confronts me or I ever have to confront something myself.

This can be anything from an unfaithful friend to talking to my counselor about a bad grade. I want everything to be peachy- even when things aren't, I try to pretend as if they are (that avoidance thing again). I hate confronting problems or people. It makes me shaky and bright red! And, though I'm not an emotional person, the tears start to flow at the simplest thing.
I don't know what it is that causes me to be so... paralyzed. Even when I'm congratulating someone or someone comes up to me with a compliment, I lose it! We all have this image in our heads of how the world is and what we are to the world. I'm very much a romanticist when it comes to the bad of life; I'm a realist when it comes to the good. This makes my view of the world just like everyone else's view: very, very skewed. 
When someone, or myself, brings up an alternate view, I start to freak out! I feel very small and insignificant, and like I was very wrong. I don't lack self confidence, I just lack a proper view of who I am to some people. Because of this, I'm left with a terrible fear of confrontation and coming off as different than I expect to. 
This whole problem is something that I need to, well, confront and conquer. My whole life I'm going to be missing my goals and the goals of others as well as exceeding said goals. There are going to be confrontations (hopefully without raised voices) and there are going to be things at stake. There's not always going to be a bedroom and headphones or a book to escape to. And, honestly, talking through the confrontation is probably better... especially since that way I can come out right instead of a coward :)

I've done a lot of finding who I am lately, which I love!