07 May 2013

Avoidance

I am guilty of possessing the "Avoidance" trait.

Whether it's going out with friends or ending a relationship, I tend to avoid anything that can evoke tense emotion. This isn't always a bad trait; I like to think optimistically and steer away from anger. The problem that has come from this, though, is that I don't deal with problems when they occur. 

In fact, I push anything upsetting or potentially harmful completely out of my life. 
I forget about them and make absolutely sure that what I'm focusing on or doing in life is not impacted by these problems. I don't dwell, I hardly cry, and I surely don't feel sorry for myself.

then, BAM.
All of the sudden, these pent-up avoidances hit me all at once. 
It could be a song, a picture, or just a random memory. But I turn into this depressed, down person that I hate being because so many different, depressing thoughts are going through my mind at any given time. My avoidance is no longer working and I lose all sense of reality.

I've really been struggling with this part of my personality lately. 

This very old song from my childhood sums up exactly what I'm struggling 
with right now.

Probably because I had one of those times where everything hit me at once. I realized how screwed up my life is because of these times where I haven't dealt with the damage. I have to deal with it at a different time, when I really don't want to. Like, for instance, right now. While I should be excited for all of the exciting upcoming senior events- and I AM excited- I constantly have to look at all of the happy relationships and friendships that I am surrounded with and realize that I don't have that because of something that happened two years ago. TWO YEARS! But, when I pushed the pain away then, I pushed away anyone who could take that pain away. This left me with very few remaining people. 

Recently, I've been able to build back up those friendships and get my relationships to a healthy place. But, I hurt myself so much by not just dealing with the problem. And now, when I should be enjoying a happy-go-lucky life, I'm trying to get to know people and show them who I really am! 

Not fun. 

So, goal number.... (I've lost count) of the year: to deal with life in the now. 
Don't push emotions away, but embrace them. Talk about them.
Starting today with my frustration with this habit of mine.

I can't be the only one who struggles with this?