22 October 2013

Bless the Broken Road

For some reason, society seems to think that at the ripe old age of 18
 I'm supposed to know what it is that I want to do with my life. 

I know that I'm not alone in finding this ridiculous and terrifying. 
But, I have always been the one who "had it all together". I always plan. Whether it's mapping my study schedule down to the minute or take notes for every phone or in-person conversation that I have, I like to be organized and in control. I've recently realized that life doesn't quite work that way- God doesn't quite work that way. And so, not only am I struggling with not having any plan whatsoever of what the next 4-6 years of my life is going to look like, but I am completely out of my comfort zone when it comes to where life is leading me.

My family has been blessed with intelligence and good fortune. 
Lucrative careers. Great vacations. Never really wondering if we're going to have a meal when it comes to be dinner time. I'm surrounded by a supportive, loving family who expects great things from me and who fully understands what I am capable of in life. And I love the feeling of making them- all of them- proud. I like knowing that my aunts and uncles think highly of me as a role model for my younger cousins. I like that my family is willing to help me be successful. And, when it all comes down to it, I want their approval

But then life took me on this journey. 

Lately, everything has flipped. 
My planned out, comfortable life has become me floating in space (But really, I identified with Gravity more than I should have) with no real idea if I'm going to make it out alive... Okay maybe that's a bit dramatic. But my "trail" has definitely taken a divergent path, and I've got to figure out if and how I'm supposed to follow this one or get back to where I'm comfortable. And, at first I was terrified about this possible change of direction. But, the more I think about it, the more I'm loving it.

I don't have much longer to "explore" how I want to spend my life. Once I get a degree, I'm pretty much stuck in that career for the rest of my life. Once again, that terrifying thought that I might mess up creeps into my mind. But this divergent path, this exploration, has given me the chance to check and make sure that I end up where I'm happy. Sure, there are costs and benefits to weigh. The lives I'd be living would be utterly, completely different on almost every level. I don't worry about my success or happiness, because I trust that I will be happy in whatever I chose- and happiness is the root of success. 

So I've come to embrace this time of unplanned chaos.

Because this winding, crazy, unpredictable part of my life is going to be something that I tell my kids about. It's going to be a source of advice, no matter where I end up. It's part of the story of my life. And when I have a family and kids of my own, I am confident that this wobble of mine will something that I'll thank the Good Lord for putting me through.

Because, "life begins at the end of your comfort zone"... right?