18 November 2013

the Cleanse

Around this time, everyone is talking about cleansing themselves-

mostly health cleanses, to make up for the awful eating habits that form during the holidays. But, I'm thinking a new cleanse. For myself, I'm thinking a back-to-myself cleanse. College has been great so far this semester. I've made great friends and I've had a blast through it all! But, I was always warned about the way people change at school. Sure, I think that many of my changes have been for the better- I've become more comfortable with myself and have put myself out of my comfort zone more in this one semester than the rest of my life combined. I've grown to trust the girls on my floor and peers more than ever before. I've learned that I can survive (and function) on less sleep and more coffee if that means that I don't have to miss out on a basketball game or a late-night adventure. But, this freedom hasn't been all good...

Lately I've been watching more TV and reading less. I've been eating more junk food and less substance. I've been going to sleep with my makeup on and waking up feeling disgusting. I've been using language that I regret later and thinking thoughts that I'd never want to say out loud. And, I've been spending a lot of time in my head- over thinking instead of taking action. 

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"but, isn't that what college is about- pizza and slurred words?" 


Maybe, but it isn't who I want to be. I've changed for better and for worse in these past few months. And, in a few days I'll be going home. I'll get asked about how school is going and I'll say that it's hard but fun. I'll talk about how I've already learned so much about myself and what I love (and what I hate). The reflections always make me miss being at school, but I feel as if the holidays will be a time for a self-cleanse, too. A chance to get back with family, feel the warmth of having adults in the room and the love of the Christmas Spirit. I can't wait to have the weight of classes off my shoulders and the encouragement of those who know me best to help me remember the girl I am.

It's not that I'm severely unhappy with who I am or how things are going. In fact, if life continued in this fashion I'm positive that I'd be okay. I'd get my degree and I'd have fun in the process. But, I'd certainly wish that I'd changed long ago. I'd wish that I had taken control of my life when I had the chance... and by "taken control of my life" I mean think happier, nicer thoughts and eat less junk food, read more books and watch less Kardashians. I'd wish that I spent less time online shopping and more time out experiencing Purdue. And there's no real way to see how my life may go or how I'm going to change. All that I know is that my years spent here have the ability to make me or break me. Naturally, I want to be made. But I don't want to be molded, I want to build myself through thought, discovery and learning. If I go through these years absently absorbing the college lifestyle without hindrance, I don't think I'll gain what I'm looking for. And that is exactly why I feel the need for a back-to-myself Cleanse to regain who I am, re-prioritize my choices, and to appreciate the personal gains I've made this semester.

While I doubt my eating habits will change, a chance to get back to reading and not always being surrounded by at least 30 girls will be nice. While I love being at school, a purging of the negative side-effects will be greatly appreciated. Hopefully, I'll come back from this cleansing feeling less burnt out, more like myself, and ready for more college!